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To engineer is human...
...to annoy - divine
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30th-Aug-2016 09:49 am - blog more...
I keep saying I want to, and then don't. Aside from the occasional rant, which is far, far from what my Facebook is, where I try to keep things light and drama-free. I'm not saying I'll never rant here, but maybe some posts other than rants would be nice.

I'm not good at a schedule or daily thing, though, so as much as I'd like to break out my week into Make It Monday, Tutorial Tuesday, Wordless Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Foodie or Fiction Friday, and Snapshot Saturday, I don't think it's going to happen. Fun thinking up names, though!

Except I don't see Thirsty Thursday working out, not enough drinks. And Make It Monday and Tutorial Tuesday are too similar and too close together. See? Problems already! And my interests are too varied, where would movie talk and books and bad limericks fit in? It'd need to be more general. Argh!

Or, you know, I could just post about things whenever without the catchy titles. Pfffff. What fun is that?

I need to get out of the rut of planning and never doing. One of these days... :/
22nd-Aug-2016 12:19 pm - So so judge-y
Facebook is the devil, and I rue the day I ended up with so many... friends of a certain ilk.

Today's tidbit, which I only saw because someone liked a post of someone I'm not friends with (seriously, FB, just show me my actual friends' god damn posts and stop stuffing my news feed with crap they "like" and "comment on"), was about women drinking.

Which they only do because, obviously, men are evil and life is hard as a woman and they refuse to stand up for themselves and are therefore pathetic, horrible creatures and sober, strong women pity and mock them. As you do, when you want to, you know, support your gender, right? Right.

I don't drink a glass of wine on my back patio while knitting or whatever because I'm stressed or don't have enough me time or feel like men are evil. I have that glass of wine because... I like wine. I know, shocker, right? That can't be right! I'm making a *choice* based some on what I *want* and *enjoy*. Certainly not! It can't be! I'm a women, therefore, society, men, evils, blah blah blah.

Look, I get it. There are sexist people out there. It's true. I'm an engineer, not exactly the most "feminine" of fields. I deal with construction workers, which you think would be (based on stereotypes) the least equal-minded.

And yet who do I get the most nasty, judgemental comments from?

Yeah, you guessed it. Women.

I'm not doing enough to fight for equality! (Except, you know, living it) I'm too fat! (Fuck you) I shouldn't like cooking/crafts/girly things! (See: fuck you) I shouldn't like football/guns/cars! (I think you know where I'm going here)

Old-school women who think I should be at home having babies. New, strident feminists who think I'm not vocal or mean enough about the evils of men. Women who judge my hair, my clothes, my body.

Are men judging me? Probably. It's human nature to judge. But oddly, they're not the ones I see/hear the most.

I talked to a guy in line at the grocery store the other day. Perfectly nice chat about nothing, just passing the time. Woman at the grocery store today, eying me up and down and turning away with a sneer (so I look a little frumpy in the ritzy part of town, sue me).

So I'm sorry I won't jump on that bandwagon, I can't handle that much vitriol in my life. I really thought living my life and *showing* that I was equal was enough. I thought making choices that were right for me (because it's about choice, right?) was enough. Apparently, I was wrong.
19th-Apr-2016 07:18 am - Walking in this World - done!
I have a toothache today, so this might be more grouchy than usual... But hopefully I can plow through the rest and be done!

Week 10, exercise one:
Making to-done (ta-dah) lists of your accomplishments that day, to give you a sense of, well, accomplishment.
This kinda goes hand in hand with writing things you've already done on your to-do list so you can immediately cross them off.

Week 10, exercise two:
List 5 personal situations that are still sore spots, lingering resentments, sources of self-pity. Then address each one and see what you can do about it.

Week 10, exercise three:
Write a want ad for your perfect creative partner.

Week 10, exercise four:
Answering questions leading you to who has been your sidekick/inspiration in your creative endeavors. And writing a letter. To them. And to you (from then, I assume?)

(So close to done, my face hurts...)

Week 11, exercise one:
List 50 things your heart loves (oxygen, red blood cells...)

Week 11, exercise one point five:
List 10 times you got creative encouragement, and note if you ignored, discounted, or acted upon it.

Week 11, exercise three:
List 25 things you are proud of yourself for doing (not defacing this library book...). No, but really, I'm all for having positive lists, as long as it doesn't morph into narcissism (Which, for most, it won't). Most of us need to be reminded of how awesome we are, and sometimes you just can't wait around for someone else to do it.

Week 11, exercise four:
List 10 creative injuries or disappointments you're not let yourself grieve.

(Sooooo close, keep going!)

Week 12, exercise one:
Again, answering questions about how to make sure you have time/space/privacy for your artistic endeavors. Not at ask an issue for me.

Week 12, exercise two:
List 10 activities that make you feel grounded. I don't know about "grounded", but I think it's good to remember certain activities that can help you when you're feeling stressed out, or frustrated, or down. I know that despite living listening to audiobooks, sometimes I really need to crank up some music in my car, and that folding cranes is very soothing (as is knitting, more so than crochet).

Week 12, exercise three:
I hear dead people. No, really, ask for help from your ancestors and write down what you hear. Yeah... No. This is, of course, a personal thing, and your mileage may vary, but it's not my cup of tea.

Week 12, exercise four:
Allow yourself to marvel... go to a bookstore and buy a children's book on a subject you like.

Aaaaaaand done! I know I didn't read it thoroughly, and brushed off some (most) of the exercises, but I really don't think they'd help me as I pretty obviously didn't need that kind of help. All the things she said were issues... just weren't for me. I don't struggle with finding time, or with people discouraging me, or paat resentments. I'm... pretty prolific in my "art" (not saying good, just... prolific). Do I think some of the exercises in this book could help some people? Maybe? I'm not really sure, on the balance, self-help books really, truly help that many people, because the people who buy self-help books tend to buy lots of them, indicating they still feel like they need help... I don't know. Upshot: my most hated genre. Ever.
If you remember (or care) when I did the "Woman Unleashed" course I signed up for aaaaaaall the free content the people offered (Except Willowing, I think, because I was already doing Lifebook and had all of that, and already somehow get her email on both my addresses). I did use an anonymous, web-based email (that was harder to get than I thought these days!) so I wouldn't have to deal with the fallout in the months, years, decades that followed. And while it's bad, to be honest, it's not as bad as I thought. Since the end of the program, that email box had only racked up about 250 emails. Between 1-3 a day, it seems. Still, glad it's in an email I don't have to deal with daily, though I do need to go back and look through those at some point, especially since one of the things was 27 days of writing prompts. They came in a day at a time and are buried in there somewhere!

Speaking of content you don't want to see, a person left a note on one of my beaunicorn post expressly telling me to stop. And that no one wants to see it, if you said you enjoyed it, you lied. Because of who this person is, my actual response was toned down (no swearing involved!) but don't worry (or, I suppose, be sad) because I'm not going to stop. I like it, I find it fun, and if you don't, well, don't follow me (that was rather the upshot of my response). Who is anyone to dictate what someone puts on their page? Do I see things I would rather not? Sure. That's what the "hide post" button is for (or, more effectively, FB Purity
s key word blockers). Or you can just unfollow someone. They probably won't notice. And you can always go to their page now and then, when you feel up to it, and leave a comment. They'll never know.

Really, that didn't make me mad, but it did give me a moment of "what's up with THAT?!" which, as cynical as I think I am, was rather an odd experience. I tend to expect the worst from people, but it still caught me a little off-guard, as in "REALLY?!" Refreshing, in a way, that people can still surprise me, sad in that it's in the negative way.

I'm really just randomly typing this right now because my task for today was to tackle some clean-up. Someone saw my craft room (it is really bad, I cleaned another room out and it bore the brunt of the shoving) and was horrified. And, honestly, I'm a little horrified by it right now. I wanted to spend today just cleaning it up, and finding a place for the stuff I have in bags in my office (the yarn for the Merphghan, and the stuff I have for "sale" in the Shop the Swap swap on Craftster - I have to keep that in one place, or when someone "buys" something I will spend forever looking for it!).

Wish me luck, and if you don't hear from me in a few days, please send in a search&rescue team, I may be trapped under a farbricalanche. ;p
7th-Apr-2016 02:40 pm - Walking in this World weeks 8&9
And so it continues... (sorry)

Week 8, exercise one
List five people you feel connected with, and something creative you could do for each one.
I already owe just about everyone craft projects, thank you very much...

Week 8, exercise two
List 5 areas of your life in which you feel haste and pressure,and analyze those areas to see if you can slow down.
This woman obviously doesn't have a job. :/

Week 8, exercise three
Make, then destroy, an embodiment of your biggest detractor/tormentor.
Make a creativity totem that embodies support and put it someplace visible.
Okay, I used to think I cared too much about what people think, but these exercises make me realize that, while I do care what some people think about some things (as you should!) in general, and especially with regards to creative things, I... don't. Nor do I need a creativity totem to spur me on. I create shit all the time. Motivation isn't my problem. Time is my problem! But again, I'm very very obviously not the target audience for this book.

Also, ehhh, "Creativity is a spiritual issue and that means we can invoke forces to cast out our demons."

I'm the least spiritual person I know, but I have to say I think I'm pretty damn creative!

Week 9, exercise one
Write about your ideal day after all your dreams come true. Document it in great detail from morning to night.
Really? I get the whole "focus on the positive" thing (sort of), but much like the false impressions of Facebook and Pinterest, that could well serve to make people feel worse. The example she gives is living the life of a huge hit Broadway producer, which, let's be honest, isn't going to be many people. And, seeing something so much better than what you have... why not go for something a little more down-to-earth? Admittedly, I don't fully understand the point of this.

Week 9, exercise two
Affirmative prayers

Week 9, exercise three
Find rest in moments of restlessness
Yes to this. Sometimes, you just have to sit back, relax, and take a deeeeep breath. As they said on Top Gear, sometimes you have to go slower to go faster!

Week 9, exercise four
List 50 things you like about yourself exactly the way they are.
This one, I don't know how to feel about. Because even while, say, I think I am excellent at crochet, I'd still like to try new things. So I love my ability, but of course I want to keep challenging it. I'm a very good writer, but that doesn't mean I don't want to improve. Not because I think I *need* to, or because I'm not "good enough" the way I am, but because what's the point otherwise? Who wants to never change? Feeling good about yourself is important - it really is - but you should never take it to the "perfect" extreme where you don't think you could ever improve/learn something from someone else.

Week 9, exercise four
Fill in the blanks, self-appreciation
Lists of things that, while other people might not have given you a pay on the back for, you deserved one. So congratulate yourself.

Week 9, exercise five
List 10 ways you could be more selfish (that might make it easier for you to later be selfless)
I'm about the most selfish person I know, so... I have me time. I buy things I want. I always take care of me (because, if you don't take care of you, don't expect anyone else to). I don't think I could be more "selfish" without turning into a horrible selfish bitch (what most of these books label as "selfish" is, in fact, not being completely self-centered and a jerk, it's taking care of yourself, which, no, is not selfish).

Three more chapters to go!!!
3rd-Apr-2016 10:23 am - A bit of flash fiction
"Dispatch, we have a car sitting outside the home, license plate NVH-294. It pulled up a minute ago, no one has gotten out, it appears a person inside is using a cell phone to look something up, judging by the light."

"Roger, hold on a moment while we run the plate."

A moment ticked by in the darkness, then the voice crackled back over the radio. "Blue 2012 Honda Civic, registered to a Lucy Darcy, lives in Jamestown."

"Probably a college student, might be lost. I'll check it out and get back to you."

He cautiously approached the car, which was still idling. The window was rolled down, and he could hear a girl's voice.

"Yes, I turned right... But the construction... No, no detour was marked... It was actually closed. Closed, as in can't get through at all. They said 'closed to through traffic' and they meant it, the road wasn't there... I don't know, I got back on the highway and tried the next exit..."

He rapped on the back window, and the girl jumped. "Hold on," she said into the phone.

"Yes?" She asked him hesitantly.

"You lost?" he asked, flashing her his badge. She peered at it suspiciously.

"Sort of, I'm trying to get to the corner of 93rd and Olive, but there seems to be a lot of construction here, and..." she sighed, and checked her watch. "The hotel has probably given away my room by now."

"Oh, you're trying to get to the Watts Mill Inn?" He asked.

"That's the one. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb the residents, I was just trying to get some directions from my friend, and..." She bit her lip. "I didn't think they'd, well, overreact to me sitting here for a minute."

"It's not that, miss, you've rather stumbled into the middle of an investigation," he said.

"Oh my goodness, isn't that just my luck?" She shook her head and laughed. "So now you think I'm some sort of hit man or something, come to bump off the witness."

"Why would you assume that?" he asked warily. "Why not assume it's just a stakeout?"

"You wouldn't have approached me if it were a stakeout," she said. "I've watched enough cop dramas! You would have had someone follow me as I drove away."

He relaxed a bit, and let his hand fall back to his side. "Are you sure you're not a detective?"

"No, no, trust me, my interest in Mr. Hamilton isn't on that side of the law at all."

The flash in his eyes as his hand flew to his gun was all the confirmation she needed. This was most definitely the right place. He was fast, but she was faster, and she was getting out of the car as he crumpled to the ground. A minute later, she was in the house. A minute after that, Mr. Hamilton wouldn't be a problem for her clients any longer.
1st-Apr-2016 02:44 pm - Walking in this World 6&7
So, I did happen to catch, while flipping through the book, that your "believing mirror" is simply a very supportive friend. One who believes in you. Do you don't have to have a magic mirror on the wall that you talk into like a crazy person. Unless you want to, because, hey, who am I to judge?

So, onwards!

Week 6, exercise one:
Practice containment, or, don't show your half-finished projects or share your ideas with just anyone because their mean comments may make you give up.

Rescue and recall, or, find a project that you gave up because someone crushed your ideas and, with the help of a supportive friend, revitalize it.

Week 6, exercise two:
List 10 ways and places you can have privacy for your art.
Um, going to my room, any time but dinner time or walkies time. Not really an issue for me.

Week 6, exercise three:
Commune with your community
Fill in the blank sentences about how you could better take part in your community.

Week 7, exercise one:
List 5 places that you could neaten up.
Uh... my house?
Pick one area and straighten it up, does this experiment put you in touch with a greater sense of benevolence?
Wait, what? "using stuck energy in a productive way" - I'm not stuck, the fact of the matter is that my house is in that state partially because I'd rather be knitting/sewing/arting/writing.

Week 7, exercise two:
Geography. Answering questions about what other cultures and time periods speak to you. Aaaaaand then you are supposed to make a collage. I hate collages.

Week 7, exercise three:
"Finish something" - "No wonder we drag our feet at the thought of starting something else. We've had to many false starts, too many half-finished, half-hearted projects"
HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, starting new things is a problem for me. *gigglesnort*

Week 7, exercise four:
List 10 things you learned to do despite your doubt they could be mastered.
I... don't doubt anything could be mastered with enough time and practice?

Only five more sets of exercises, and at least with just skimming the book it's going quickly! Sorry to done on about this, but, well...
31st-Mar-2016 01:51 pm - Walking in this World weeks 4&5
I'm even losing the umph to do the exercises...

Week 4, exercise one:
Carry a sketchbook and sketch. Not a bad idea, but also not an original one. Most artists encourage people to do just that.

Week 4, exercise two:
Complete this phrase 10 times...

...okay, I messed up here, because I read it as "seriously, I would love to..." and wrote down things I really did want to do. Then I read the next part "spend 15 minutes inhabiting your secret dream and write about it." Oh. Well. See, nothing I wrote was a secret. It actually read "*secretly* I would love to..." And, well, I don't have secret dreams, I... pretty much blab to everyone about them.

Week 4, exercise three:
Write a dialog between my rational, realistic self (R) and my wild and crazy dream side (W). This is supposed to find a way to balance your dreams (for instance, taking a single night class instead of quitting your job and going back to school full-time).

W - I want to quit my job and just sit at home and do crafts all day.
R - So you have a business plan to sell them?
W - I don't want to *sell* then, then it's just another job.
R - So you've won the lottery?
W - No....
R - Then you plan to eat how?
W - ...dammit.

(In truth, I think I already have an excellent work/craft balance, so...)

Week 5, exercise one:
Fill in the blanks, this time about your friends. Which ones make you happy and want to create, and who are stifling, etc. And then... you're supposed to write yourself a love letter. Being as affectionate as possible.

Dear Me:
I think you're quite spiffy.

Week 5, exercise two:
Write down five responses to the following...
If it weren't so selfish, I'd love to try ... Running away? I mean, that's about the only thing I can think of that would be too "selfish" for me to do, because I'm pretty damn selfish as a rule of thumb. But it'd only be a short run-away, because I like my life and my house. Maybe just an afternoon out. Wait, I do that all the time. Dammit.
If it weren't so expensive, I'd love to try ... not working, buying a mansion, driving a Bugatti, and having an Olympic sized swimming pool full of craft supplies. Oh, these were supposed to be reasonable? Pffff.
If it weren't so frivolous, I'd love to own ... uh, I just spent the equivalent of a house payment on Lego. I don't think I've ever let "frivolous" stop me from buying anything.
If it weren't so scary, I'd love to tell ... I... whaaaa? There are stories for other times of the things I've told people, I'm not usually "scared" to say something.
If I had five other lives, I'd love to be ... a decent question, but I have to ask, would I be me in these lives? With my fears, phobias, and physical limitations? (For example, I think NBA star is probably right out, because I don't love professional basketball, I'm female, and I'm 5'2" tall). Am I limited to this time period? I have a feeling this question is about finding more "hidden dreams" you could work towards, so wanting to be a moonshine-running flapper is probably not the kind of thing they're looking for (cool as it would be).

Week 5, exercise three:
Write a letter to yourself from your inner artist's best friend, who has been observing you, telling you what changes you should make (people you should spend less time with, things you need to do, etc).
No. Enough with the letter-writing!

...And then you put the letter in your God Jar. And talk to yourself in your "believing mirror". I've obviously missed bits by skimming. Aaaaand, honestly, I'm okay with that now.
29th-Mar-2016 03:03 pm - Weeks 2 & 3 - Waking in this World
So, though I've given up on the morning pages, I'm going to work through the exercises (because that well at least make me feel like I've "finished" the book).

Week 2, exercise one:
A bunch of fill in the blanks about what your childhood dream was, who inspired you, and how you can take steps to go after that dream now. What? No, I don't want the same things I wanted when I was 12. I've changed, and it wasn't because I want encouraged enough as a child.

Week 2, exercise two:
More fill I the blanks, mostly involving "secret gifts" and "things you're afraid to try" and "purple you don't tell your dreams to because they crush them". Um, I don't have secrets, the only things I'm afraid to do (skydiving, bee keeping) is because I'm afraid of the acts themselves, not afraid of what other people will think, and screw anyone who thinks it's dumb for me to try, say, stained glass work.

Week 2, exercise three:
Finish the phrase "I wish..." twenty times. My favorite from my list? "I wish the Browns were a decent football team". Hey, she said to write what came to mind...

Week 2, exercise four:
More fill in the blanks, things like "if it weren't so foolish, I'd love to try ..." (juggling balls of jello while riding a unicycle?) and "the dream I have never told anyone is..." (it involved a small hatchback and an unfortunately shaped set of measuring spoons, let's just leave it at that... oh, you didn't mean that kind of dream... well, um...)

Week 2, exercise five:
Write a letter from your adult self to your inner artist.
..mine reads more like a text message: "don't forget the milk". No, seriously, I just couldn't.

In week three she intimates that mental illness isn't really a thing ("I'm not interested in debating with people over the reality of mental illness" and "we carry within us the exact medicine to heal it ourselves. That medicine is creativity") at which point I would have set the book on fire but it's a library book. And burning books is bad. But so is saying shit like that, so it's probably be a wash. My journal note puts it succinctly: "Fuck. You."

Week 3, exercise one
Make a collage board while thinking about something you'd like to understand more fully, then write about what you put together.
No. Just no. One, I don't have magazines, and two, the only thing I'm still contemplating is what am asshole you are, and I don't think pretty pictures will help me "understand" that.

Week 3, exercise two:
List 50 things that anger you and what you can do about them
1. Self-help books / don't read them
2. Stupid assholes like you / sadly, nothing
3. ...I got nothing. I think you're overstating "anger". I don't carry around unresolved and that a store closed, or something inconvenienced me. Momentary frustration, mild irritation, and sadness are more my style. I don't even stay angry when I have a legitimate right to be. It's not worth it. I probably can't even get to fifty mildly irritating things without being cheeky (brown sugar pop tarts, for example, things that don't really make me mad but are fun to whinge about).

Week 3, exercise three:
Five things that interest me.
Five?! FIVE?! This is where I need the list of 50!

Five people that interest me.
Uh, my friends? I don't do celebrities or historical figures much.

Five art forms that interest me.
Again, just five?!

Five projects I could try.
Seriously, FIVE?!

...So, yeah, I'm not sure how much I got out of that, other than realizing I like a *ton* of shit and am not shy about inflicting it on my friends and family and people on Craftster and random strangers...
28th-Mar-2016 08:03 am - I give up
I couldn't even make it two weeks. Yesterday, I made every excuse as to why I'd do my morning pages "later", until suddenly it was ten at night and I just said "screw it". This morning I tried again and got a few lines in before I just couldn't go on. What is the point of doing something you hate so much? I was truly beginning to dread it. And I've done journaling before, that I don't mind, but *having* to do it, especially at an inconvenient time, as opposed to doing it when you feel like it? Yeah, no good. There is absolutely no reason to keep putting myself through that. There is no way it will do me any good, and yes, very much in part because of my attitude towards it.

If you love it and it makes you happy, it works for you and good for you! You should do it. If the idea makes you feel you'd rather poke yourself repeatedly in the face with a fork, maybe you should give it a miss. There's no reason to torture yourself for thirty minutes a day because someone else says it's something you should do and swears it will help you. Because it might not.

Nothing is one size fits all. And that's my biggest problem with so many of these self-help books and programs. They guarantee it will work for everyone, if it didn't work for you it's your fault, you didn't do it right/try hard enough. And don't you dare alter their method to make it work for you (I'm looking at you and your sink, FlyLady) because that's simply not allowed.

Whatever. You do you, and I'll do me, and if we're both happier the world will be a better place. If you want to clean using a mashup of FlyLady, Konmari, and Martha Stewart, more power to you. If you want to do morning pages at night, have at it. If you want to live in a tip and never hand-write a damn thing, none of my business (unless you live next door and there are rats, that's my limit, because then it does effect me, but up until that point, go for it).

I'm still going to work through the questions and exercises in the book, but faster since I'm not waiting to do my journaling. And I need to move on to Kondo's book (if I can stomach it) and I really want to get back to Woman Unleashed, because there's doodling in that!

And my #beaunicorn project. Need a picture for today... :/
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